stormy sea

Ophelia - Roo Panes

entering a crowded room and seeing that one person. i once read that this person is the one you love. the person you think of when you wake up and fall asleep again is the person you love. there are so many ways to "love" a person. but now it is 3am and i'm crying and i cannot fall asleep because every time i try to close my eyes and count sheep, your face is all i see. i see your dazzling smile and i feel your hands on my cheek and our lips only a couple of millimeters apart - and nothing. it is the midde of the day and i am daydreaming again. in a fog, not noticing the surroundings, just you and my thoughts about how our breaths are synchronized and so are our heartbeats too. thinking about how you think exactly the same things as i do, at the same time. and then, it's after school, a lovely afternoon and i am not doing anything because once again i am thinking about you. suddenly this defeat. suddenly the rain pouring down, the colors are bleeding into each other, blue has turned a muddy red, among all these people your absence. my mind is swirling around the question what you are doing, and just like the past few months i keep replaying that one scene. when sadness was the stormy sea, you taught me how to swim. the moment you spoke these words: "this will not work." i gave you the option to leave in the beginning, told you so many times that if you are not ready, just go. and you simply told me you would never dare to break my heart, it would be the other way around. well how ironic is that now.

3. januar 2019